[there is the feeling of claustrophobia]

there is the feeling of claustrophobia-
that the

walls are closing in and my skin is too tight.

wanting to pull myself apart,
uncomfortable sitting

still, being inside myself, like an all-over

allergic reaction to me. i want to cut, break,

destroy everything that is myself.
flesh falling

off of bones like autumn leaves,
tumbling down and

dissolving to dust. like walking down a
dark

corridor towards death. some lights
line the way,

but mostly, this descending into hell.
people

yelling from the walls, i hate you,
you're

worthless, you can't do anything right.
and the

tears welling in my belly, rocking
cross-legged on

the floor, sobs racking my body tears
slipping the

floor and this feeling like i'm
bleeding from every

orifice, that my tears are bleeding out
and cutting

me open, because i can't keep them from
falling.

can't talk to anyone, can't make eye
contact, i

just want arms around me, i want
someone holding

back my hair while i vomit up this
sadness, cough

it out. i want everyone in the world to
turn to

ash, i want to walk down empty streets
and look at

the night and not see lights. darkness
closing

in around my throat and cutting off the
wailing

aimed skyward, towards the god i can't
believe in.

and they're secretly smiling
downstairs. they've

won, i'm at home, they know where i am,
they know

what i'm doing. and they think this
will last, and

they think they're helping me, and
they're ripping

me apart. lying in the dark staring at
the star

strewn ceiling, tears pouring down
cheeks and

falling into dead ears.